And that brings about a strange blend of emotions in me. Yes I’m obviously happy. Happy I’m getting out of this (beautiful but undeniably) small and overrated town and getting to go another place, and hopefully that’s a good thing. None of us have escaped the overused examples of what good getting out of our respective comfort zones does to us. “Broadens your outlook”, “Shows you the world”, “Teaches you what life is”, “Gets you new people” to list a few that come faithfully, at regular periods from our mentors and family. I AM happy. Happy I’ll get to see the world, or at least just another part of it. Happy about the prospect of meeting a bunch of other people who I can learn from. Happy that there are chances of me finding some as of yet unknown weirdos who will know what I said was a joke when I say one … on this same planet. Happy I won’t have time to watch the Justice League animated series on the Internet (not that cartoons are the only thing I watch on the Internet) cuz I’ll be engaged in ‘productive stuff’. Happy some guys are gonna try and bully me only so I can finally unleash my true strength and show their sorry selves that I am a Supersaiyan IV with a power level of 9 billion trillion zillion chameleon hillion sillion krillion before I kill them with a shot of my Super KA ME HA ME HA BEEEAAAMMM ! HAHAHAHAHAHHEHEHEHAHEHAHEHAHEHA !!!
Anyway getting back to the main stream, most of all I’m happy I will grow as a human being… No, I’m serious. I will.
But it doesn’t take much to realize I will lose some things too. And that I’m apprehensive about it.
No more speaking Nepali for months unless speaking on a phone. No more haphazard eating schedules. No one to remind me when to take my meds. No more of my wonderful friends. No one to even wake me up. And I HATE alarm clocks ! No more time with my brother’s brother’s girlfriend ! THAT’S the worst part ! No more denying to have a shower for weeks at a stretch. (Just said that to make you laugh. I do have showers regularly … *acts natural and convincing*) And the worst part (which is at a tie with what I said was the worst part earlier):- NO MORE JUSTICE LEAGUE ! TYRANNY !
How does one get through this overwhelming tumult of thoughts and expectations and emotions ? I am excited… and nervous. And excited. So excited and nervous and excited that it feels like my lungs have to be evacuated of all air and emotions or they’ll explode. I always wanted to go to college. I’ve always looked at it as my one-way ticket to freedom. Maybe we all did. Always thought that college was the sole ingredient to the recipe for a life of fun and only that. But now that THAT time is here, and I’m already halfway through the door, I feel I didn’t prepare enough. It’s kinda daunting. There’s a part of me that turns back, wants to GO back, do everything right this time and then dive into this new phase. Cuz it just hit me that I don’t know how to cook. Or drive. Or ride bikes. Or fix some broken stuff. Or find my way around metros. Or how to kung-fu myself out of bad situations. Or how not to be so-sexy-that-women-flock-around-me-all-the-time. (The last one’s my most major worry…) Can I handle myself like this ?
But then again… Isn’t THIS where we were supposed to reach someday ? Cuz another part of me tells me that I did just fine. I’ve learnt enough and have acquired enough to help me enter and live the world that was always meant to be my playground, for whatever span the playtime called ‘life’ would last. Intimidate though it does, I realize I only have about 60 years or 1,969,920,000 seconds left before I kick the bucket. And 5 of those seconds are already gone now that I typed it. Some of us will eat, to work, to eat, to work, to eat, to worrr…until retirement. And that’s when they’re gonna start waiting for the sweet embrace of Death ! And I really don’t wanna do that. So I how DO I start a life that now that’s gonna take me places I wanna go ? And if I DO go places that EYE wanna go, what about the expectations my family wants me to live up to ? Just say, “Fuck that shit.” ? THAT is another SERIOUS issue I have, not at all exclusively. Is the giving-up of one of these goals the only price for which we can achieve the fulfillment of another ? I don’t have an answer. I wish I did. But hey, maybe THAT’s what we’re supposed to figure out…
I figure I NEED the apprehension, the fear … because that is the only way I can choose to overcome it and not succumb to it. I figure that I am in this tug of war between dreams and duty only so I can make use of whatever discretion my life yet has brought to me. I figure that my life isn’t something I can stay away from and that I am walking this direction because there IS SOMEthing for me here. I have to believe that. There is something of mine here that was meant to be discovered by me ever since I was born. And I owe it to myself to find it.
I am just a kid. Just ANOTHER kid who’s jittered up about going to college. But I’m one of those who are aware that their life is in their own hands and it is their own decisions and choices that will fill up the pages of their life with salvation or regret or happiness or loss or redemption or all of these. People will ask us what we wanna do in life right now. And some of us think we know. I’d like to think I don’t. I’ll just walk towards the horizon strong with my beliefs so that when sunset comes, I can appreciate its beauty as the best curtain drop to the best story that I could’ve been a part of.
Until then … GOOO JUSTICE LEAGUE !!!